(I usually do this post on my birthday but due to my recent hectic schedule it was delayed)
One of the clearest memories I have of my father is when I was about 6 years old and my dad's birthday was just around the corner. He was going to turn 36.
Then I asked him how long people lived.
My dad looked at me and asked, "Do you think 36 is old?"
I said, "Yes."
Thirty-six was, after all, six of my own lifetimes.
His response was, "I'm not going to die for a long time." and we left the conversation at that.
Now here I am. 36.
Correction, 36 with two energetic kids who make me feel like I'm 50 by the end of the day. I'm always tired due to lack of sleep due to long working hours, and, well, just keeping up with the children.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I was 36 and single.
I imagine I would be living in Brooklyn, NY with the rest of of the children's book community who I communicate with on an almost daily basis thanks to social media. I'd probably work all day and night on book projects because I'm a workaholic. (The wife keeps me under control and makes sure I'm not killing myself) and I'd probably have more money in the bank not having to pay a mortgage or private school tuition for my kids. I'd have more books published under my belt, I'd be less stressed financially, and I may or may not be healthier. I speculate that I would have accomplished more in my professional career because I would have had more time to focus on it. Perhaps I would have published a book of greater success. Perhaps I would have ended up on the NY Times Best Sellers list by now. I don't know but sometimes feels like the grass is greener on the other side.
This is not to say I resent having a family. Quite the opposite, in fact, because I also take a lot of time to wonder if I would have the same amount of ambition as I do now. This is not to say that I would lack ambition if I were theoretically single, but I know that I myself still have as much ambition as the day I graduated art school and I think that is always a very difficult thing for a person to maintain. You've hopefully started checking things off of your list of ambitious things you want to accomplish, and as life goes on, the easy life goals are checked off early on your list. Later, when you approach the big career ambitions, the really big challenges (the ones you only dream of) become much steeper mountains to climb. There comes a point where you either realize that you are going to be that person or you're not and it's a very sobering thing.
The thing about ambition is that you rely on it so much. You achieve goals that you hope make you a better person. You do things that validate your life. Ambition is that one thing that keeps a person going in life. It's a sole motivation. I have met people who have tried to get published for years going to conference after conference, sometimes with little sign of progress. They keep going year after year because there's always that hope. That next hurdle to make you feel validated.
A person has to have something to hope for or else life isn't worth living.
I've reached a point where nothing I do is for myself anymore. My ambitions have changed. Where once my biggest dream was wanting to be a New York Times best seller has now been replaced with thoughts of "Please don't screw up this kid I'm raising"
I still have dreams of someday becoming a New York Times best seller, but it's not the top of my list anymore. Have I lost my ambition?
Perhaps?
I still have those dreams and maybe I've just come to terms that the dream will probably never happen. Maybe the road to the goal is long and difficult and I'm in a long transition. I think the difference is that in your youth you want immediate results of reaching your dreams or else you get frustrated, where as when you get older you realize all goals are usually attained by undergoing a long journey.
These days I must be a provider and I have more responsibilities as a father of two kids. Life is about a "bottom line". Mortgage. Tuition. etc.
The interesting thing about all this is that it has been my choice to live this way.
I think there becomes a point where life just ends up in cruise control. You get a job, you do it every day in order to maintain a certain lifestyle and that becomes your life. You just work and sleep. You may have the occasional adventures and outings, but every day you go to the same job. You do the same work.
You have a schedule.
Ambition takes a back seat.
For a while.
If I were to ask my 21 year old self if I wanted to care for children and settle down and do the same daily routine until I die I'm certain that younger self would probably say "No." He has his own dreams of fulfilling his own goals and making the most of himself. He doesn't need to be held down by commitments and worrying about the needs of others. I'm certain he's much more relaxed, and probably still has most of his hair. The sad part is that I also imagine that version of myself to get bored by the monotony of life. He'd probably promise himself the occasional personal vacation to go to Rome (like he always dreamed of) but he would still have to stick to his schedule afterwards. The same thing day in and day out.
You wake up. You work. You go to bed. You do it again.
The person I am now is much different then that single guy I just described. The person I am, with the wife and two kids gets to relive life with a fresh set of eyes every day.
The first day of school.
The first time I heard the Ramones.
The first time I went to Disneyland, etc.
I realize that the road to reaching my big goals in life is taking the longer path and I'm taking a break in certain ways. Slowing down.
Well, more like pacing myself for the long journey.
Maybe I'm just getting old.
It's interesting being an adult and watching your kids grow up. Watching them do the things you used do, making the same mistakes, and forming the same habits you used to have. It's like watching yourself relive your own life. Parenting is also a daily learning experience. How would you teach a little version of yourself to do the things you had to learn when you were their age? You feel an appreciation for life. You appreciate the little things more, I think.
In a child you see "potential"
Maybe that's what's slowly lacking in the early middle (late early?) part of my life. Potential. When you are young you have yet to see what you are truly made of. You want to rule the world and prove yourself to the world. Now, at 36, I'm not so filled with as much potential as I used to be. I'm seasoned. I know what I can do and what I'm not capable of.
I'm not saying this is set in stone, but let me put it this way, in professional sports I would be retiring.
I'm also not saying that people who have kids are better. There is still much that I have to envy for those of you who have not chosen the life of family. Parenthood is an acquired taste and is not suited for all.
But it fits me pretty well.
At an age where life seems to be in cruise control and 85% of my life is spent in a studio making books, parenthood is one of the things I look forward to witnessing every day and it's worth all the tireless hours of meeting "the bottom line." I've come to accept that my ambition of becoming famous may not exactly come for a long time (or at all for that matter) and maybe 36 is that magical number where I come to terms with that. I still have that hope of reaching that goal. After all, hope is what keeps us going in life. Thanks to my kids I am inspired by their potential. They're helping me keep hope alive and I realize now that I depend on them just as much as they depend on me.
I write this annual birthday rant year after year, but I think this is the first year where I noticed that the majority of things I do in life is to care for my kids. I don't know if it's an age thing, a parenting thing, a combination of both, or a coming to terms that I don't be the person I always long dreamed of becoming. What I do know is that my "bottom line" isn't just about a mortgage, or a tuition, or providing for a family. It's about taking care of the things in my life that help me keep my life happy and interesting every day and to help make the monotonous daily routine of my life more enjoyable.
It helps me continue to feel hopeful.
Life isn't just about me anymore.
And fortunately, I'm not going to die for a long time.
